It’s been awhile… but I need to write.

The Longing

Sometimes in life, there are things we want to say out loud, but the words won’t seem to come. Is it fear of disappointing those around us, or maybe fear that what we are going to say isn’t really what is bubbling inside us? Why are words so hard to find at times? Thoughts and emotions become so entwined, the words get entangled in the snare set by these complex internal whirlings.

So here I sit, three days before Christmas, alone inside these walls filled with a somber darkness and a chill that seems to seep through to my bones, no matter the thermostat setting. It’s not really about the temperature – it’s the thoughts, the loneliness, the bridled anticipation. What am I waiting for? The same thing I am always waiting for.

This started as a love letter to remind him that he was my one. He didn’t know I was writing to him, spilling the contents of my aching heart onto the screen so that when he was ready, the thoughts would all be there waiting for him. It helped me to fill the hours while he was half a world away. I could close my eyes and let my fingers pound out the frustrations of my aching heart, the pain escaping through my tears… and hide them in pretty words that revealed how much he meant to me, even if he couldn’t see it. I found a sort of peace in documenting, being able to go back to particular points in time and watch how I never wavered. How I clung to him and the hope he brought to a life in shambles.

The one constant in life is change. We promote and we relocate and we keep reaching for the stars, believing that if keep pushing it has to get better. This time the “better” is starting to feel worse. I know in my head that this was the best change, truly I do! There is usually a dark side though, a letting go. A moving on. Some are permanent and some are only for a season, and sometimes the seasons seem endless.

The plan was to follow me. He was going to find a job and be right behind me. A year or two max, but that is nothing compared to where we have been before. But then a year turned to two… turned to three…. three and a half. Rejection letters started piling up. His hope starts to fade. (How can it not? I don’t blame him.) I beg him to just come anyway – it will all work out. We have made it this far. But you know my Beast. He is stubborn and so hardheaded. He has his own demons to slay and I haven’t found the magic potion yet to break that spell. Which is why I sit here all alone with an ache that I can’t seem to put into words, wishing that one day I will be able to have him here for more than a visit, more than a weekend. Wondering why courage can’t be shared… contagious even. Wondering when my lucky number is finally going to be called.

One day …

Facing the Loneliness of Missing You – with an Exchange Student

I really thought the days of writing here were over. I thought we had finally found ourselves in the same place and we were going to be that way forever. You know what they say though – if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

So, here I sit – alone on our bed, surrounded by books with country music playing louder than it should be if I am supposed to be studying. It’s been a tough week and that makes this distance even harder. I want to ask how we got here again, but I know that answer. This was not an easy decision. There were a lot of tears and moments I really thought I couldn’t go through with it, but you were so supportive, encouraging me to step outside our comfort zone and see what God was leading me to. read all around me. You would follow me as fast as you could.

Part of me knew that wouldn’t be a quick or easy process; We endured this process twice before. Getting you back in the states was probably the easiest compared to getting you back with me. Selling our house… my dream home. Holding you one last time before I loaded up the car and drove to our new residence. Crying and begging God to please not let this take as long as the last one. The long lonely nights of missing you so much… no one to tell me I’m safe when a nightmare wakes me, or to go investigate when the dog jumps up in the middle of the night after a noise wakes him. No one to wash my back or massage my feet while we snuggle on the couch to watch a movie. I think one of the things I miss most is looking out the window, watching you mow our grass. I know you never understood that, but that was one of my favorite sights. You’d come in fussing you were hot and sweaty and all I wanted was to pull you close and show you how grateful I was for your heart. There was no stink or sweat… only the love of my life, standing there, drinking a tall glass of something cold and looking like everything I wanted for the rest of my life. And yet… here I sit listening to Jordan Davis singing about a midnight crisis and doing my best to pretend that I am studying.

The loneliness was overwhelming in November so we agreed that despite our instance on taking some time off, I would host another exchange student. This was supposed to make me feel like getting up and living some sort of life without you here. I wish we had stuck to the no vote. This one has been nothing but a struggle from the beginning. You’d think by number 7 we would have had a good plan on what to expect, but this one…

I got the call that there was a young Thai girl struggling with her placement and really needing a fresh start, someone to love her and give her some support. I should have asked more questions. I should have read her paperwork and understood her disciple history. Not that she’s a bad kid – she’s just not the kid I needed right now. This kid never talks, well not in English. She is always on her phone texting her Thai friends and living in her own little world. It’s heartbreaking but I don’t want to get ahead of myself here. See, I really thought that maybe this was what God wanted for me. And I am sure it is, I just don’t see why or how anymore.

I have always been the kid who just knew things. I can’t explain it except to give examples.

• The time I cancelled vacation. I was supposed to road trip across the country to spend a week with my longest and dearest friend. She was so excited about finally seeing each other after about 10 years or so. The week before we were supposed to leave, I began having horrible feelings about this. I couldn’t imagine why. I love her dearly and to see her again was all I wanted right then. The night before I was supposed to leave, I called her in tears. I couldn’t come and it was made worse by not being able to explain why. I just couldn’t. I knew I was not supposed to go. She said she understood even though I knew she was as heartbroken as I was. Three days later she called to let me know it was good I hadn’t come. There was a family emergency and she wouldn’t have been home to visit with me anyway. I’d have been all alone in her home for a week. There was no way I could have guessed that would happen, but it was odd that I had such a bad feeling about it all.
• The time I applied to college. I was already in college. I was not studying what I dreamed of and definitely not at a world renowned school, but I was doing well. I really wanted to transfer to a particular top 10 school. Everyone told me I needed to apply to more than just this one. The odds of getting in were almost nothing. Even my professors told me to apply to other schools. I argued that I would get in and if I was wrong? Well I was in school and I was going to get my degree so what was the loss? Wouldn’t you know… I got in. my dream program at one of the best colleges in the country.

So what was it this time? A trip the the store for a $3.75 flavor spout for my water bottle. Seriously. I need one to hold me over until the next shipment. I can’t explain why I grabbed a shopping cart. It comes in a little box, no bigger than the one you buy children’s cough medicine in. I grabbed a cart and headed to the flavor spouts. I got one and then thought maybe I would grab something easy for dinner. The pantry was pretty bare but it was just me and I don’t eat much. Next thing you know, the cart is full and I am headed for the register. This is the dialog in my head – the little tug I feel and then my head trying to be sensible.

Wait! I need cereal – (but I don’t eat cereal.)

I NEED cereal! – (fine… let’s go look. Hmmm, the sensible choice would be Special K or something pretending to be healthy right?)

OH! Look!!! Capt’n Crunch! – (Kid, WE DO NOT EAT THIS!)

OH… LOOK! With berries!! Get this? THIS ONE!! – (What the heck?!? Who eats this?? Not you. Not your nieces…)

$200+ in groceries later, I am loading Capt’n Crunch Berries into the back of my car. This is the most expensive water flavor I have ever bought in my life. But the next morning, I get the call about this kid. fast forward through the paperwork and flights… guess what her favorite cereal is. The only one she says that she eats for breakfast. Yup… and my pantry is full of things for her to eat. All I can do is look up and laugh. I hear you God.

So if I am supposed to host her, why is this so hard? I am starting to think it was to break me from doing this for awhile. She is the most frustrating child. Don’t get me wrong, she can be incredibly sweet! When I was in bed with the flu, she made me soup every day. But she is socially unaware, non-talkative at all, and glued to the TV. It’s so awkward to have this person in your house, sitting at your dinner table who never talks but runs the TV. My Netflix suggestions are ruined… nothing but Korean TV and horror movies. I’ll have to delete that profile once she leaves. But in the meantime, I feel like a prisoner in my own home most days. I have started working late – or at least not coming straight home. I study in my room a lot more, or spread my books out to make it look like I am studying.

I really should be studying. I have got to pass this exam. Between her and the aches of missing you, I don’t get far though.

The Lesser of Two Evils

It’s almost January and that means really big changes this year. It means the first year in our home is coming to a close and the sun is setting on my time with the structures team. It means walking away from everything I ever dreamed of because their system is set up to abuse those who have a passion for their role as opposed to chasing the paycheck. A system designed to reward those with a goal of climbing the corporate ladder as fast as they can.

9.5 years ago, I started my career out here and thought I was taking on everything I ever wanted. I was going to lead a team and build things I only ever dreamed I’d have the opportunity to – and boy have I! My career is filled with moments where I have to pinch myself because I can’t believe I really got to do all I have. But come January, I will step away, close the door, and start something so new… something I’m not really sure I want to do…

This past October, I was forced to make an impossible decision. I could chase my passion, find a new way to enjoy what was left of my team, and become the sole rock of my department. It would mean I accepted the fact that my salary was going to stall. I would have to accept that new hires with no experience would make more than me despite the time and tears I had invested. It felt like admitting I wasn’t worth anything… Coming out of my abusive marriage, I couldn’t stomach that. I am too good at what I do to allow them to say I’m worthless or worth less.

So I looked at the second option I was given – give up my love of structures and find a position where they could adjust my salary more in line with my experience. That comes with selling my beautiful new home, leaving my friends and neighbors, and moving 8 hours away to a city I’m not even sure I want to live in. It means joining a completely new team, one where I don’t know anything and am not even sure I like the work. It feels like starting all over – except that I get to keep you. I give up everything else, but I get paid a fair salary and I get you.

But this morning I can’t stop the tears. I am feeling so lost – so overcome with grief. I think I made the wrong choice. Maybe I should have taken the third option and I should have walked away from the company. Maybe I should have followed my passion and stayed here in our home and with you and started over somewhere else building on my dreams of design. There are so many people truly shocked by my decision, which I think that only makes me feel more upset and convinced I went the wrong way.

What if I did? What if this isn’t what I want? What if I don’t want to be closer to family or a more well-rounded engineer? What if I like living up here with you? What if I’m not really excited about any of those other things they tell me are good reasons to take this offer? What if I like my life here and my bridges and my friends? What if the only problem was really feeling undervalued and unappreciated? What if God was telling me to walk on the water with him and not simply change decks of the cargo ship? What if this was supposed to be a divorce instead of marriage counseling?

I mean, it took a hard scary divorce to find you, but look how happy I am!! Maybe I was supposed to start fresh. Let go of all the hurt and frustration here for a new relationship with a new company.

I don’t know. I think the next 5 months are going to be the most difficult 5 months of my career to date. I know leaving my position was the right choice. I know that with complete peace. What I don’t know is which door I should have chosen. I guess the upside is that I haven’t moved yet which means I could still walk away, keep my house, keep my friends and go a different direction. I can still get my divorce and a fresh start.

I just need your hand in mine and maybe a slow dance.

Now what?

My daughter is turning 18. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this yet, but time won’t wait for me to figure that out, nor will she.

To celebrate the big event, I planned a weekend retreat at a giant cabin in the middle of no where with all her aunts, uncles, cousins… and my loss of sanity. I stressed and planned and panicked and stressed some more trying to give her a fantastic birthday weekend surrounded by her family (which we rarely see). I hindsight, I am wondering if all that stressing isn’t the root cause of the problem.

Her entire life, I have basically been a single mom. Even during the short time I was married (less than 3 years), I was still doing it all on my own. I simply added an extra road block to my parenting as he sabotaged everything I tried to do and was a bigger child than my own. That’s not my point though…

Her entire life, I have been a single mom. From the beginning, my mother thrived on pointing out how my daughter was lacking, the disservice I was doing by not having a man in her life, and my unending shortcomings as a mother. I wouldn’t say that I bought her things to make myself feel adequate; I couldn’t have afforded that if I had tried. But I did surround her in love.

I wanted her to grow up knowing that no matter where she went, what she did, or who she became, I was always going to be there. I defended her from those who made comments about our family life, our lack of a man, and the dysfunctional family I had grown up in. I wanted better for her. Maybe that’s where I went wrong.

Rather than exposing her to the toxic lifestyles and having conversations about why each person’s behavior was not something to replicate in her own life, I moved us away from them. I worked hard to surround her with people who didn’t model those behaviors. Somehow this made my family Maleficent’s spinning wheel, the Evil Queen’s apple. The thing I wanted her most to avoid became the one thing she desired most. The one person who most modeled every behavior became the one person she most wanted to be like.

So here we are. I am sitting on the porch swing with my cup of tea watching the world wake up around this sleepy lake and realizing that I may have lost. The little girl who wanted mommy’s hand, to always be close to me, to sleep in my bed and battle the world with me hasn’t even looked at me for a week. She is growing and changing and finding herself. I get that. But she also broke all our plans. She has hurt people who once mattered in her life. She cries and says all that matters is one thing and then changes her mind and hurts people to their faces. When it’s pointed out, she says “I don’t care, as long as I get…”

Who is this child? Who is this young lady? She is definitely not the kiddo I knew a few days ago. That kiddo cried when people did this to her and yet she does it without blinking. She gets angry when you point it out to her. She has lost all of the caring I taught her. All that matters is getting her way – but that changes like the breeze and leaves people hurt.

So what do I do? I feel as though she’s being manipulated to turn away from me. They say I raised such a great kid and yet they are creating and encouraging behaviors totally contrary to what I raised her with. All I hear is the promising threat made to me 16 years ago that one day they would turn her against me and take her. They want the one thing in my world that matters most… the one person I would die for. They want my heart and my breath. The more I hurt, the happier they appear to be. And now that she’s 18, I really feel I have lost. My heart is breaking and she laughs.

Do I surrender and let her go knowing full well they will use her and break her and spit her back? Or let her follow that path and become one of them because their life looks so sparkly and perfect? Do I stand back and wait to pick up the pieces hoping for the best? Do I just let go? How do I stand back and watch them change her, knowing what happens and the only two endings possible – neither good ones – and let it happen? Won’t she think I broke my promise and turned my back on her? But I can’t watch this… to see the game they play kills me.

Maybe I need to let them do it… let it cost her more than I can repair. Maybe then she will see what I was trying to do and regain her sanity. Maybe. Or maybe I lose and I go on in this world without her awhile. Maybe I go back to the life without those toxic folks and focus on me for awhile.. that’s something I don’t get to do much.

But for now, I sit here on my porch swing, drinking my tea and crying….

Please Don’t Let Her

I need to write. I need to process these emotions because they hit me out of no where. I don’t know why I’m feeling these things or where to set them down, but I figured this was the best place to bare my soul one more time.

Walker Hayes has this new song out, “Don’t Let Her.” I’ve heard it for a few weeks now driving around in my car and usually turn it up, thinking it’s a sweet song. I confess to never actually hearing all the lyrics, but the chorus leads you to guess the moral of the story. Coming home after a long night day at work last week, it came on. I still didn’t hear the opening lyrics, but it hit me differently and my eyes began to water. My mind went instantly to my deceased ex husband.

No, he would NEVER say these things. He’d never let them pass his lips. He may have thought them … or maybe used them to torture me, like the way he’d say if he really loved me he’d let me go because he knew I deserved better than him. And maybe that exactly why the tears. Today would have been our wedding anniversary. As I think on the years of life I wasted and the abuse I endured, I realize just how much I wasn’t loved. He wasn’t even half of my forever, but he sure didn’t think it tragic that I never wanted to love again. I don’t think he cared that I was so broken from his antics that I never wanted to let another man close enough to know me and love me. I never wanted to be hurt again.

And yet today the tears come. I don’t know why. It’s not like it was a big anniversary. Maybe because it’s the 5th anniversary to follow the day I told him I was done trying and no matter what happened anymore, I was leaving. Maybe it’s because as I sit here tonight, I realize that for the first time in my life I am truly happy. I’m not living in fear of him. I’m not consumed by my battle scars. I am confident, independent, making scary life choices with a song in my heart and the biggest grin on my face. I am me, completely myself and not worried what anyone thinks. I am living my every dream.

Maybe the tears come because for the first year since I walked out, I’m not missing him. I don’t even think about him in the course of daily life. Walker Hayes sings about all the things his girl likes and tries to help some guy stand a chance with his widow. For the first time in years, I know what I like. I know what makes me happy. So maybe there are valid tears and signs of more growth and healing. Maybe this is my letting go and my final goodbye, my sense of peace and wholeness.

Whatever the case, I am going to cry these tears. I am going to get out my pen and cross today off the calendar, thanking you for trying to break me because it’s shown me just how unbreakable I am. And know that Grover doesn’t let me miss you. He loves me in ways you never could… a real love.

You Didn’t Save Me. You Didn’t Change Me.

I am a sucker for a well written song. The ones that say things I can’t put into words are my favorite. They get stuck in my heart and tell more about who I am than I could confess myself.

Maren Morris has released her new album ‘Girl’ and I can’t play it enough. There are some really great lyrics and some I skip over, but one chorus has struck a chord this week.

Here is an excerpt, a few of my favorite lines.

---

To Hell and Back

The skeletons I wanted to bury, you liked out in the light.

You didn’t save me. You didn’t think I needed saving.

You didn’t change me. You didn’t think I needed changing.

I wonder how you treasure what anyone would call a flaw.

When my demons come a call in, you don’t even bat an eye.

I don’t scare you and I guess that’s why.

You didn’t save me. You didn’t think I needed saving.

You didn’t change me. You didn’t think I needed changing.

Lucky for me, your kind of heaven’s been to hell and back.

---

My entire life people have tried to change who I am. My ex swore he saved me, especially from myself. But then I met you. Even with my life a mess, you saw me and never thought I needed to be saved. You never tried to change anything about me. You held up a mirror and helped me to see what you saw through all the bruises, frayed wings, and tarnished halo. You thought I was perfect and capable of anything. Lucky for me, your kind of heaven has been to hell and back.

Because of the way you love me, I have found my self confidence, achieved what I believed was impossible, and polished up that halo. I am who I am because you didn’t change me. You encourage me and you love me exactly the way I was – the way I am.

https://youtu.be/UW8rpVEnF2I (I can’t figure out to embed the videos on my iPad like I used to on my laptop.)

Confessions of a Consumed Lover

I have spent the last 25 hours collecting my thoughts. Things are changing so quickly that I am struggling to properly process each piece with the care it deserves. I feel a bit like Chicken Little, but I don’t want to scream the sky is falling. The engineer in me tries to catch all the sagging places and prop them back up until I can save the world properly. Time. It takes time and when days like this happen, I feel as though there is no time. I am simply a tired wife and mother.

Labs.

It all started with a routine visit to the doctor after Thanksgiving. Some complaints about fatigue, inability to focus, anxiety, depressions, lack of appetite… normal teenage problems right? The doctor listens and we agree to start with some basic labs to make sure this is all normal stuff and not something a little more. Then comes the call, something doesn’t seem right. Let’s repeat the labs in 30 days to ensure it wasn’t a fluky thing at the lab. She seems normal enough so let’s not get excited yet.

Now it’s March and we haven’t gotten a call on the second labs. Hmmm… mom is now in a bit of a fuss. We make some calls and play phone tag a few times. Finally the doctor reaches us. The labs are still not right. They are better than before, but still not where they should be. We asked for a second panel, but there seems to be some confusion. Has no one called you? … if they had, would I be calling you wondering what’s wrong with my child? … Well, I better have the doctor call you.

There is nothing worse than a worried momma with an engineering degree, a familiarity with medicine, and google. Most searches indicate cancer. Some say it could be something as simple as a high count and needing to be monitored, but these are far and few between the cancer warnings.

After hours, I stumble across one which indicates it could be something much simpler requiring a change in diet and it could resolve itself. Lord, why couldn’t this have been the first or second one I found? Why couldn’t this have popped up and made me feel better about the extra panel the doctor is seeking? Instead you have me frantically texting my best friend in tears. I am picturing the worst. Dreading the moments of cancer doctors and treatments and the stress and worry I’d face all on my own. How could I be the strong momma knowing what we could be facing? God, we will talk about this later when I can find some composure.

Prom.

Then comes the call from a friend. The girls have found a prom they’d like to attend together. My teen has been OBSESSED with prom since she was 2 and saw my sister getting all dressed up in the sparkling fancy gowns. And given the terrifying visions of the future this morning brought which I’m frantically attempting to swallow behind the unnatural blinking back of tears … okay. I will make this happen. Next year it may not be an option, so let’s do this.

For as much as I think I have kept up with her growing up and faced the reality of her turning 18, planning the big party, preparing myself for the day she decides to go off to college – she came around the corner in that dress and there was no stopping the tears. My curly haired little toddler who had grown into this awkward teenager was standing there looking absolutely beautiful as a young lady. God, is this a freaking joke? The tormented visions of this morning weren’t bad enough? You really thought I needed to be reminded how short our remaining time is together before she starts being really interested in guys, college, and moving away? You felt like I needed to be shocked into the realization that she’s all grown up like this? I know she is! I know the days of she and mom against the world are drawing to a close as she steps out into this scary world on her own. I have taught her and prepared her for this moment, but I failed to prepare myself. And as if the thought of losing my partner, my best girl, my sidekick wasn’t enough… as the dread of a quiet and empty house starts to fill my mind…

Depression.

… the depression kicks in and the idea that you could change your mind and walk away from me, truly leaving me all alone hits like a brick wall. There is no bracing for the fiery explosion that starts in my stomach and spreads to my lungs. My heart sinks into the cavern created by the collapse of their smoking ashes. I could invest my entire life into the two people I care most about on earth and end up completely alone.

They years wouldn’t be wasted! I don’t mean that at all. Loving the two of you has brought me more joy than I ever dreamed my heart could hold. This girl has filled my life with moments of awe and wonder, innocence and grace, love and compassion. She taught me so much about who I wanted to be. And you! I am the woman I am today because of the life we share. You have taught me patience, grace, forgiveness, priorities, what’s really important and what’s the frilly distraction. You have taught me what real love is.

Tears are streaming down my face as I realize I have prepared for this in a couple of ways. I have resolved myself to strength and gratitude. I could cry over days lost with you, or I could marvel in the magic of each moment we share. You and I have talked about the age difference. We have talked about the very real possibility that I will have to bury the love of my life and find a reason to keep breathing until we meet again. That thought SUCKS and I don’t want to think it, but knowing that’s a real possibility makes me take in every glance, every word, every forehead kiss, every whispered “I love you” even more. To know that in my life I found a true love, the kind that completely ruins you from ever loving another… Lord how blessed I am!

God.

As angry as I am about things, fears and growing pains, distance and depression, I know that you have never abandoned your promise to me. You told me if I would just trust you, you had a plan. Man did you ever! There are no funerals or certainty of medical conditions. There is chaos and confusion, but that’s not how you operate. You calm the storms and you carry us when we feel the weight of the world is too much. You promise to take our all and pack it down, shake it up, multiply it with your “enough” and get us through it, if we can maintain our faith and focus on you.

For the last 15 hours or so that’s been all I have tried to do. The best way is to count my blessings. And when I count them, I always count you and our girl twice. Not only do I get to share life with you, but you both teach me so many things – making me not only a better wife and mother, but a better human.

Grover, I am so very thankful for each and every day we share together. I am thankful for the days the depression wins because they force me to sit back and take an inventory of our days. I get to remember the very first text asking if a bedtime story would help. I get to remember the first time we watched a movie and tried to guess the ending. I get to remember the first time I was brave enough to sing to you. I get to remember the moment you called me scared and upset and I asked what do we do next. I get to remember the 4 hour drive just to have dinner with me and hold me in your arms tightly against your chest for a few minutes. I get to remember our adventures and our walks in the sunshine along the banks of the lake. I get to remember the moments you made sure I was eating or drinking because I couldn’t remember to stop long enough to care for myself. Or the times we spent hours asking each other questions and forgoing sleep for three days just to not have to end the conversation. I get to sit back and marvel at the changes your love has made to the little girl who was so afraid she couldn’t make it on her own… the girl who was terrified to admit she needed someone, and that she could be loved. I get to remember the cards because it’s Tuesday, the flowers because it was Thursday. The good morning texts and the bedtime stories. This isn’t the end. A love like this never ends. Even death can’t separate two hearts that have become so entangled. I could sooner cut off my own arm than untangle what God has joined together as one.

So, God, I can cuss the depression or I can find the beauty in the moments it reminds me of. I can know that this too shall pass and we will be okay, because we always are. Love doesn’t run… we don’t give up just because it got hard. Yes, there is an initial push, and then comes the pull. We are very good at the pulling. It’s why we have learned to slow dance. A slow dance solves everything and the fact that we both know that and celebrate that – God I am so thankful. For all the things I have done so horribly wrong in this life, giving my all to this man is never going to be one of them. I don’t deserve the love he gives me, the way he calls me his princess or tells me I am beautiful the way only he can say it. Maybe that’s why each one means everything to me. God, please bring him home soon. I love him more than I can admit, more than I could ever find words to say. To say he is my one doesn’t do it justice. You have taken two and entwined and twisted and entangled until he is me. I am him. We are us. I can’t breathe without my lungs in his chest. My blood won’t circulate without our heartbeats. Whatever we were before, we are now the same. We are only one, in every possible way. Oh to know that kind of love!

So my Beast, today I will send you the warmest of anniversary wishes and count myself the most incredibly and richly blessed woman on earth to have become so tangled in us that I have lost myself. In case you didn’t know… I am crazy about you. You are truly my everything and I couldn’t ask for more.

Eternally,

Your Belle

xoxoxo