I need to write. I need to process these emotions because they hit me out of no where. I don’t know why I’m feeling these things or where to set them down, but I figured this was the best place to bare my soul one more time.
Walker Hayes has this new song out, “Don’t Let Her.” I’ve heard it for a few weeks now driving around in my car and usually turn it up, thinking it’s a sweet song. I confess to never actually hearing all the lyrics, but the chorus leads you to guess the moral of the story. Coming home after a long night day at work last week, it came on. I still didn’t hear the opening lyrics, but it hit me differently and my eyes began to water. My mind went instantly to my deceased ex husband.
No, he would NEVER say these things. He’d never let them pass his lips. He may have thought them … or maybe used them to torture me, like the way he’d say if he really loved me he’d let me go because he knew I deserved better than him. And maybe that exactly why the tears. Today would have been our wedding anniversary. As I think on the years of life I wasted and the abuse I endured, I realize just how much I wasn’t loved. He wasn’t even half of my forever, but he sure didn’t think it tragic that I never wanted to love again. I don’t think he cared that I was so broken from his antics that I never wanted to let another man close enough to know me and love me. I never wanted to be hurt again.
And yet today the tears come. I don’t know why. It’s not like it was a big anniversary. Maybe because it’s the 5th anniversary to follow the day I told him I was done trying and no matter what happened anymore, I was leaving. Maybe it’s because as I sit here tonight, I realize that for the first time in my life I am truly happy. I’m not living in fear of him. I’m not consumed by my battle scars. I am confident, independent, making scary life choices with a song in my heart and the biggest grin on my face. I am me, completely myself and not worried what anyone thinks. I am living my every dream.
Maybe the tears come because for the first year since I walked out, I’m not missing him. I don’t even think about him in the course of daily life. Walker Hayes sings about all the things his girl likes and tries to help some guy stand a chance with his widow. For the first time in years, I know what I like. I know what makes me happy. So maybe there are valid tears and signs of more growth and healing. Maybe this is my letting go and my final goodbye, my sense of peace and wholeness.
Whatever the case, I am going to cry these tears. I am going to get out my pen and cross today off the calendar, thanking you for trying to break me because it’s shown me just how unbreakable I am. And know that Grover doesn’t let me miss you. He loves me in ways you never could… a real love.
ILYMTCCCD 