My Dearest Grover,
There are so many things I want to say to say, but I can’t seem to find the words in my vocabulary. I tried the thesaurus, but even Merriam-Webster couldn’t suggest words strong enough. I have read books on the subject, followed blogs from the “experts.” No one seems to adequately express the depth of emotions I want to share.
This weekend, our distance has become negligible in every way. I didn’t find myself holding my breath waiting on that beloved IM sound to tell me you were awake. My day wasn’t spent carrying a phone anxious for a few minutes to converse uninterrupted with you. While we have become experts at drawing each other closer no matter the distance between us…
This weekend, I finally got to hold your hand. I could feel your breath on my shoulder and get lost in your eyes. For three glorious mornings, I woke to your chest pressed against my back and your cheek on my shoulder. I was able to watch the sun come through the window and dance on your lashes as you lay there dreaming dreams that were finally not better than real life. I got to watch you slip out of bed and meander to the shower. I love the way you leave the door open, inviting me to come in.
Over the last 20 months, I have tried to remember each and every moment of togetherness we have been able to share. They have been few and far between, but I truly believe that has made them even more precious.
I thought of the paper lanterns when I moved into my new house and our girl came back home. I was so nervous to be starting over and all on my own. The messages we wrote, like prayers to heaven, filled with our hopes and wishes for the future. I remember you writing that you hoped we could do the exact same thing again in the future.
I thought of your first trip home, when you surprised me. I know there were a lot of emotions in that moment, but I thought about the anger at how you had left, the relief that you were back safely, the overwhelming desire to jump into your arms and wrap all four limbs around you. I thought I was excited to see you then.
This time was different. I raced to the airport and started pacing outside the gate. I paced, counting the click of my shoes on the tile floor. I watched people pushing past each other to retrieve their luggage and the planes coming past the window making their way to their gates. I realized I was holding my breath and my palms were sweating. I was praying, “God, please let this plane get here. Please let him get off this plane!!”
I was pacing and watching the clock. I must have reloaded the airline website every thirty seconds waiting for the update that you had touched down. How had I ever survived all these months apart when now I couldn’t bare 5 minutes? I was blinking back tears and trying to talk myself out of a panic attack. And then I saw you….
Thank you for an unforgettable visit. Thank you for the simplest of things: washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, installing the window AC, letting the dog out in the morning, fixing the broken things, and dinner at my favorite place ever. Thank you for holding my hand and kissing my forehead. Thank you for rubbing my back and massaging my face like only you can. Thank you for being my everything and my very best friend. Thank you for being my partner on this wild adventure.
To be intimate is to be in tune. Every corner of your body is an earthquake. That’s how you make love to a woman.
ILYMTCCCD 