Progress

So after years and years of abuse, and a year or more of counseling, I saw the changes today.

My dad is concerned that I will wind up in another abusive relationship, and he should be. I have a horrible track record!! He looks at my Beast and sees another older man looking to control and the advantage of his daughter. I don’t blame him, but he doesn’t know Beast. In the back of my mind, I have been a little skeptical too. Let’s be real, he is too good to be true. I guess I wait for him to slip up in his act. He never has.

We have been dating, I mean really officially dating for 2 years today. Today. So of course, today we would have our first real fight. My feelings were hurt and I was angry. I bit my tongue. I thought of every time I had expressed these emotions in the past. I heard the doors slamming, the dishes being smashed, the spit on my face and the ringing in my ears as they would scream at the top of their lungs so close to my face I could have licked them. I felt the pushes and shoves and every ounce of panic that comes with them. Why on earth would I voice my feelings again? It is safer to stuff them in a box and deny them. It is safer to hide that box in the deepest darkest corner of the closet and leave them there. Right??

But that’s not what I learned in counseling. I am allowed to feel how I feel. My feelings are real. One. Two. Three. Here it all comes….

I believe….. I feel….. I understand….. I hear….. And then I bite my tongue, bracing myself for the punch. It will be virtual (he is still overseas), but I know it’s coming. It always has with others in my past!!

Silence. “Hello??” Maybe the Internet has gone out. “Hello??”

Then it comes. “You are 100% right and if the roles were reversed, I would be just as angry. I am so sorry. Can you please forgive me?”

Whoa! Wait!!! What?!?!? You mean… I was valid to feel this way?? You heard me and agree? You don’t want to belittle me or insult me or tell me I’m wrong to feel what I feel or I am too stupid to know what I think?

I want to jump in his arms, wrapping both arms and legs around him. I want to cover him in kisses!! What are these crazy tears?!?!?

….. And just like that, I realize. I have grown up. I have stopped the cycle of abuse. I have found a real man and a real love. I have fallen even more in love with my best friend. I finally know my first love.