This morning I woke up feeling each and every inch of the 8,000 miles between us. I know you felt this way yesterday, and maybe that’s part of why I was so distraught today. I held your shirt. I sprayed your cologne. I listened for your heartbeat. Nothing was working today and my tears flowed as freely as the raindrops from the dark sky. They pounded against my windshield almost as hard as the realization I couldn’t feel him today was hitting me.
8 timezones feel like a lifetime some days. Today was one of those days. I messaged him and told him my struggles. I am so grateful for modern technology! I can send him a text, an email, video chat and a million other things to talk to him instantly. The only limit is the physical distance. I can’t get one his his hugs that puts the world back in place. I only get the words, “Come here and let me hold you.” I’m not sure they would have been enough today.
So what does my sweetheart do? He asks me to hold his hand and to go for a date. He tells me that he knows how to get to the mall and asks me to go with him. So of course, I grab his hand and he says “RUN!” Apparently we have to cross a busy street…
Another photo and the mall comes into view. I have no idea the beauty that can be found around his new residence. I can’t call it his home because home has become a person. He is my home and I am his.
I love the romantic I have found. I can feel my heart racing as he paints this fantastic picture of our evening together. I can’t share the words because those are obviously very personal, but looking back I am reminded of our most memorable road trip, but that is a tale for another day.
As we come through the door, I learn that Starbucks exists even half a world away. I am not a coffee drinker, and my sweetheart knows that, but there is something to be said for the golden arches which grant free wi-fi allowing me to visit with him for hours on end.
Pausing a moment, he asks me to take his hand tighter. Please don’t slip on the ice.
After we are tired of skating, it is time to explore. We pause a moment and he tells me to stay right here. He comes back holding a blue balloon… (it’s a boy!) My eyes fill with tears. We have shared so many hopes and wishes that we already have names chosen. This is one more way to build the dream. Our dear sweet Noah…
Balloons – It’s A Boy
Hungry, my Love? He asks me to join him for dinner. How about Nando’s?
We share unforgettable conversation over dinner at this lovely Brazilian Steakhouse. We never seem to run out of things to talk about. I love that I have fallen so completely in love with my best friend.
Four Stories to Explore
We walk past tiny shops filled with places to find some lovely things:
Some pretty things to sleep inSome fancy perfumeDiamonds. A reminder he needs to start looking for one… ❤
Before you know it, we are tired and ready to start the walk back home. Hand in hand, we begin the walk back to the apartment. Words cannot begin to express the gratitude for such a simple gesture. It may be cheesy or lame to anyone else, but to me it was priceless. I have never been more loved in my entire life.
Time to go home
And this is where I leave you. As his day winds down, I go back to work. The time difference is awful in moments like these because putting him to sleep while I have hours of daylight left to work is unbearable. I want to be with him, but with a date like this, he sure feels closer. 🙂
Life is happening much faster these days. I wake up early hoping to catch him before I have to get ready for work. I spend hours throughout my day talking to him about anything and everything. He is my best friend so we can lose hours this way easily. I have so much I want to share, as does he. Before I realize it, it is 23:30 and I am still going full steam wanting to tell him more. SLeep is no where on the radar.
I am still getting over that nasty cold I caught at “school” last week, but even that can’t dampen the excitement of the story I did not tell last night.
You know where this writing all started. I wrote it very clearly and detailed the emotions. I had to pour my heart out and I had to share my pain and confusion. Most of all, I had to share my love for this man. I had to find a way to make him see that I was so hopelessly in love with him and that he was the one for me, the man of my dreams. Well, about 2 weeks ago, I gave him this address and let him read it all. The plan was always to have documented proof of my feelings, my love for him and faith I have in us.
He read and read and re-read. He cried and we have talked for hours. He was finally able to see my heart and understand that his fears were wrong and I was not going to turn tail and run. I was not going to let him go and I was definitely not going to even attempt to replace him.He is my one, and always will be my one.
Last night, my Beast asked me to marry him. I thought he was joking at first, but I answered him anyway. Of course then he thought I was joking! So tonight, I am blessed beyond words to say that… On October 27th, my beast asked me to be his wife and on October 26th, I said yes. That is exactly how it should be for a girl who didn’t know she had caught his eye for a year and a half, for a girl who had to chase him halfway around the world to make him see how she loved him so deeply, so eternally. Our love story has a proposal so big that it couldn’t be held by a single day.
So, yes. I am going to marry my prince, the first chance I get. I am so blessed! God answered my prayers and soon, I will be sleeping by his side, every night…. in another 11 months.
I can’t sleep. I am laying here and our conversation keeps running through my head. I keep looking for the words, like I do here, to show you what I already know to be true. I look for the words your heart is too afraid to confess. I listen to the whispers you don’t think, I can hear. I listen with my heart and search with my eyes for clues as to what is hurting you.
Darling, I am sorry I have been offline here. I have come down with something and have been wearing myself thin with traveling to headquarters for a week of training, fighting this cold, chatting with you and then the scare you put on me that you might be offline for a few days too. I wanted to write you here every day so that you would know there was not a single moment that I let go of your hand. I wanted to be able to prove it to you, but life is happening.
Dear readers, what you don’t see are the countless conversations that we have each day now. When I started this, there was no communication. I simply learned he had left and it was up to me to make sense of it all. What my beloved had failed to realize was that I was not like the countless women we encounter during the day to day civilities of life. I didn’t fall in love to take from him or to better myself at his expense. I fell in love to give. I fell in love to learn who he was and to help him be a better, more confident and assured him. I have studied him. I know how he holds his fork in his left hand, but not the way I do. He holds it in a way that I love to just watch, but I know I have to be so careful as to not alarm him that I am staring at him.
I know the way he reaches up to fix his hair because the wind has blown it. He needs to keep it looking neat and laying smoothly. He loves when I tussle it, but if you watch him, he will reach to straighten it. He won’t even know he has done in, but I will. I see him do it, out of nothing more than years of habit.
I don’t think he knows how much I watch him. I don’t think he knows that I have memorized his heartbeat or made note the rate of breaths he takes as he performs different tasks. He doesn’t know that I am have memorized his fingers and the way they lace between mine. I know the curve of his spine and the strength of his arms. I know the pain in his eyes and the smile he hides them all behind.
Because I know all of these things, I knew he hadn’t left me. The world wanted me to believe he had, but I know him. There had to be more to the story…. so I go back.
It has been a very emotional week. I am so grateful that we are able to talk as much as we do because there has been a lot happening. Tonight’s conversation is one that I am not sure I can let go of. We have been dancing around this for a few days. I have listened to you saying that you wanted to make sure I had the time to decide. You don’t want to be my “good enough” or make me feel trapped into something out of obligation. Even as I type those words, I can hear you saying them and the emotions welling up in me.
First, there is no settling with you.To settle would mean that you were somewhere beneath me and I had to sink down to mix myself among your level. That is completely untrue and not how I see you at all. You are not a last chance or merely the best of no real options. You are my one, the best one. My life is so much richer with you beside me than it ever was before you.
Second, you make my life complete. You inspire me to be a better me. You are not a trap! I am more free with you than I was before you. You are my perfect compliment. You are the harmony and I am the melody. You are the peanut butter to my jelly. You are exactly what I have searched for my entire life.
Tonight, I confessed my fear. “When you say things like, you couldn’t stand looking in my eyes and seeing regret, I feel like you don’t trust me to make the choice. I feel like you will make it for me and leave. I get scared.” Baby, I know that you are afraid to let me in. I know that you have been hurt so deeply before. All I know how to do is to love you. I know that you push me away out of fear, thinking you have to push me away before I walk on my own. I know you feel safer if you saw it coming than if you were wrong and I stayed. The thought that I would love you and want to stay for life seems so impossible. After all, if you were so loveable, if I was as perfect as you tell me I am… why do we have the past hurts we have?
There is one reason. Only one. You and I were in the wrong relationships. We had to find those hurts so that we would recognize and appreciate the love that we have found now.
So let me tell you… Baby it’s you. … The world is a different place, where nothing is too hard to say and nothing is too hard to do, never too much to go through…. For all that you are, for everything you do, for all that you’ve done, just for showing me the truth…. baby it’s you.
This morning I woke up, and am feeling a little rough. I’m catching a cold and I am still realizing how hard this last year has been on me. I found signs of the physical toll, the heavy price I have paid, a very noticeable mark it’s taken on my little body. I send a photo of the tear jerking observation to my best friend and instead of telling me we all get older or we all go through hard things that leave marks on us showing how strong we are, I’ll be okay…. Do you know what he had to say about the tiny silver strand in my hair???
“Looks to me that the only thing wrong in that picture is my lips are missing from your forehead and my arms aren’t around your waist”
Seriously?? That might be the most perfect response in the history of the world. How can I cry when you tell me something like that? How can I feel sorry for myself? How can you always, and I do mean ALWAYS, have the most perfect answer when I come to you with something breaking my heart? How can you make feel completely wrapped in so much love from over 8000 miles away? How can you always leave me breathless?
So today God, please take extra care of my best friend. He is truly just below the angels and absolutely perfect for me in every way. The last few days we have had some very difficult conversations about fears and insecurities. We have shown the parts of ourselves that we do our best to hide from the world, but with every ‘reveal’ we find more love for each other than you can imagine possible. The very things we feared would drive someone away draws the other closer as we realize we share the same fears. He is absolutely perfect to me and I can’t imagine loving him more. Somehow, I always do though. I love him more today than I did the day he left, and I loved him enough that day that my heart stopped when I read his text.
I miss him terribly. I know that he is where he needs to be right now, and I know that we will survive this year. I know that what we have is real and strong enough to carry us through the next 49 weeks. I also know that I am going to marry him one day, very soon. I am so incredibly grateful for my best friend.
I love you darling. I absolutely adore you in every way. You are the love of my life.
Tonight, I write to you curled up in my hotel bed. I Am learning that Sundays are just too full to sit and write, and yesterday was filled up with work and then a 6 hour drive to attend meetings this week. I guess writing daily was an unrealistic goal given all the things I juggle, but I am still going to try. Just please understand that Sunday’s are JAM-PACKED these days in all the best ways.
Last night, as I was driving across country to get to my hotel, I came up over this hill. The view to my right had been completely hidden behind a forest of trees that seemed to stretch on forever, but as I got to the top and looked over, there was this huge pasture of cut hay that was being rolled into giant bales. There was a golden sun sitting perfectly on top of this hill, sinking down into a sea of the most beautiful pinks, purples, orange and reds I have ever seen. Of course cruising along at 75, I was over the hill and past the pasture before I had time to pull over and snap a photo. The woods came back to block the view and the next time there was a clearing, the sun had already been swallowed up and the colors weren’t as breathtaking. I still had to take a photo.
(Forgive the dead bugs on my window, I tried to clean them off…)
There was something about that moment. From the minute I saw that big glowing gold ball just slipping behind the hilltop, I felt myself reach for the button to call you. I wanted to tell you, to snap a photo and share that moment. Instead, I pulled to the side of the road, sat in my truck and watched the sun sink down behind the trees. I imagined you sitting beside me on the porch swing, your arm around my shoulders and my head on yours as we watched the colors change. the gentle breeze blowing through our hair as we snuggled there on the swing, sharing those conversations only we do. Two little boys running through the yard chasing dogs and squirrels and our girl groaning telling us to knock it off already.
For a minute, I could see it all. I could feel you right there, but as the golds turned to purples and blues, you faded away too. I couldn’t just pick up the phone and call to share this moment.
Please come home soon. I am sick and I need you to take care of me. You spoil me and I need that. – I know this is short. Medicine is kicking in and words are hard to come by. I love you, Beast. XOXO
Thank you for the heart to heart conversations this week. I have truly needed those to help me battle my own fears.I am looking forward to our first: The proposal, the planning, the marriage, the time together. We are going to get our fairytale, if we can hold on to God and each other. I know we can…
Just when I start to feel overwhelmed by the distance between us and think that this year is never going to pass, I get days like this. I spent last night washing laundry for what I can only hope is my last road trip for awhile. I managed to, for the first time in 3 years, have no dirty laundry! Well, other than the clothes I was wearing of course. And they weren’t just washed and dried. I was able to fold them and put them in drawers. I was able to hang up my work clothes. This is unheard of, especially on a work day. I mean, by Friday evening I am so exhausted that I don’t have energy to get the clothes from the washer to the dryer, much less wash and dry 5 loads. There usually aren’t enough hours left to do that much laundry.
I guess you knew I needed to slow down. I think you knew me better than I knew me this time. You could see that I was wearing myself out. You knew I was losing my flame. I know it wasn’t easy to get me to see it (I am incredibly stubborn) and it can be impossible for me to admit I am tired. I think the day I cried into your chest and told you all my heartaches and all the things I was wrestling with… to have you just hold me and stroke my hair, telling me everything was going to be okay and that you loved me… I think you might have saved my life. I was so focused on not losing battles that don’t matter. I lost sight of the things that do because I got so caught up in proving I could do what they said I couldn’t.
So, you were right and I needed this slow down. I needed to be home and allow myself some time to breathe. Now the only thing missing is you. But like I said, on the days it all gets to be a little too much, I get days like this. I got to talk to you for HOURS and fill my cup so full. I know we both lost sleep between you staying up on your day off then I stayed up on mine… haha. Baby, I would stay up as long as I had to if I could just feel this close to you. There is so much to be said for sharing your deepest fears and your heartaches and seeing them all loved and kissed and cared for.
I am in awe of how much we share. I mean, I pour my heart out to you and instead of getting insulted or told that my fears are silly, you share yours. You bare your soul to me, and we wind up sharing one of the most intimate conversations yet again. I am sorry that I let the enemy sneak in a rock today, but I am so grateful for the conversation that followed. I needed that today.
Copperlily: Tell Me (She calls it her “needy song”)
Promise me that you will always tell me. Tell me that you love you. Tell me that I am the only one for you. I wanna know you want me. I wanna know you need me. Help me fight my fears and I will help you fight yours. I will help you to see that they are all lies told by a jealous hateful world who was intimidated by your tender heart and your loving spirit.
I meant it when I said I pray you find the peace you have given me. My good days now far outnumber the bad ones. My scary voices are turning into whispers that hardly gather my attention anymore. You took this broken little girl and you picked her up and made her look at herself for what she really is and not what the world told her she was. You helped her to break through the lies and the hateful words spoken for the sole purpose of keeping her down. You held my hand as I took my first steps and kept a watchful eye as I learned to walk on my own. You encouraged my independence and begged me to soar. You have always believed I could do anything, if I could just let go of the fear.
Yesterday, I had my “check up” with Adam. I walked in grinning from ear to ear. I was laughing and just absolutely not the person that walked into this office last year. We were trying to figure out when I started seeing him. I know it was over a year ago. We guessed sometime in the summer. (I checked my calendar – June 4th, 2014) As we talked, we started looking back on the fears that dominated my life back then.
I would lose everything and go back to the way things were before my ex had come into my life. I would not be able to support myself or my child because he would take every last thing from me.
That I was so damaged from years and years of abuse that I would trade one abuser for another, again. I have done it so many times. Even when I break free and I am doing so well, some creep walks in and I sell my soul to him in order to feel “loved.” Turns out I give love but accept abuse as love in return.
God. I wrestled so hard with having been molested by my grandfather. His wife was constantly telling me how I was going to hell and that I needed God and Grandpa was right there every Sunday. He worked with the prison ministry. I remember thinking over and over that if this was God, I didn’t need any part of this.
I was struggling with the relationship with my father.
I hadn’t dealt with scars from my mother. I have dealt with her cruelty and her death.
I have dealt with the trauma and the residual effects left by my first serious relationship, and by my ex husband.
I have really come a long way! He asked if ‘Jack’ was still contacting me. I laughed. Of course he is! He will always contact me as long as there is breath in his body. He won’t let go, but one day I will be brave enough to let him face charges. I have blocked his number on all my phones. I have stopped him from contacting me at work. He can only get to me through my personal email, but even those are not met with panic and hyperventilation anymore. I laugh. He sounds so small and so pathetic as he fights to gain control again.
I told him about my change in jobs and the stress I had lifted off of myself. He agreed that it was the right step for now, but that I did not need to hide there. I am NOT hiding. I am simply resting, repairing and resurrecting myself. I will come back stronger than ever, than even you believe me to be.
We talked about my faith and how I have joined a church, my daughter got saved and baptized and we have taken on service roles there to be more involved. We have made friends and really bloomed exactly where God planted us. Thank you for encouraging me to try again.
We talked about my friendships. I walked in that office last year having no friends and struggling to breathe. I walked out having a BEST FRIEND for the first time in my life. For the first time, I am not ashamed of where I was or the things that were done TO me. I was a child. It wasn’t my responsibility and I know fully grasp that. And the fact that they were done, does not mean I deserve anything less than the best. I deserve someone who will hold my hand and stand beside me through every storm. I deserve someone who will dance in the rain with me, because I know more storms will come. I deserve to be loved completely and unconditionally… and that starts with loving myself. Thank you for helping me to find the way….
But my darling, you are deserving of all of those same things. I don’t know why we can see the best in each other but not in ourselves, but you are incredible. While I was falling in love with myself, I was falling in love with you too. I am not letting go. Together, we can take on the fiercest storm and after today, I know you will be there beside me. Thank you for all the talks and the photos and the calls.
Above all, I am so grateful that you are my best friend. I have never had one (Adam thought that was odd) but I am glad I saved that place for you. You get to see all the ugly parts of me and show me they aren’t as ugly as I thought they were. I was simply showing them to the wrong people. I was loving all the wrong people in all the ways they didn’t deserve.
For the first time in all the visits I have made to Adam, I told him about you. And for the first time, in all my visits, he said he thinks I have it all. He doesn’t think I need to come back again. Wait, what?? I just told you I am in love and you tell me that’s great and I got this? There was no, “Are you sure?” or “But look at the pattern.” There was no “It’s too soon” or “We need to talk about this.” There was simply the story my eyes were telling faster than my lips would move. My smile was filling the room and when I said your name… even as I sit here and type this, just to think your name, that smile comes back. This one is different. God is in the mix and it can hardly feel rushed when it was three years in the making!
So yes. I am here. And I am whole. And I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am going to marry my best friend and I can’t ask for anything more than your safe return. I love the talks we have about what life looks like when you come back, for vacation and at the end of this service term. I love that I know your heart better than anyone else. I love that you know mine. I love that you love me so completely that even from 8000 something miles away, I can feel you.
For Christmas, all I need is $1400 and to find my passport. Then I could have ten days with you and you would know how much I love you.
You know me well enough to know I always have a song playing. I am usually singing along pouring my heart out because it says all the things I can’t put into words. Well, tonight as I sat down to pour my heart out, I didn’t know where to start. It has been such an incredible 24 hours that my heart is simply bursting at the seams. I am not sure I can contain the pure joy at having seen your face, hearing your voice and just laughing with you again. Texts are great, don’t get me wrong, but reading the letters your fingers tap out to me is not even a good second place to hearing you tell me, well anything really.
All of this made finding a place to start a little difficult tonight. I thought I would sit down and listen to one of my favorite songs on YouTube and see if it wouldn’t help me settle down to write. So I started and clicked autoplay so it could introduce me to some new music. It went something like this:
Westlife – I Want to Grow Old With You ( I have to insert this one here…)
I have watched this video at least 20 times tonight. Punkin is pretty sick of hearing me singing this song, but there is something about the lyrics… and the video…. that just grabbed hold tonight. Maybe it’s all the stuff that has happened the last two weeks. Maybe it’s the conversations we have shared, the fears that we are facing together… or maybe it’s just that it simply fits so perfectly.
My Darling, I want to grow old with you. There may be thousands of miles between us right now, but I am more in love with you than ever before. I didn’t think distance would make us stronger, but I know it has made me love you even more. Maybe it’s the video they paired it with.
Have you ever seen the movie “UP!”? The love story is one that moves you to tears. I can see you doing something like that for me… and I know I would do it for you. He absolutely adored Ellie. (Ellie… Belle… it’s close) He just knew she hung the moon and to lose her was more than he knew what to do with. They shared a very special bond, that started as best friends. 🙂
I fear I have not done well tonight sharing my heart. I have been interrupted a dozen times by the laundry and dogs and birds and the stupid phone. The good news is I have NO dirty laundry! I know… that’s amazing. I confess, I am really liking the new hours at work. I am able to get so much more done and not feel like I am constantly running on empty. I used to lay down only to wake back up 3 hours later and run again. I didn’t realize how burned out I was until I quit. I was running on pure willpower.
My Darling, will you grow old with me? Will you let me hold your hand? Will you let me sleep in your arms every night? Will you share all your dreams with me? Will you share all of mine? Will you love me and never let go? Will you put up with my music? Even when I get so caught up in it that I walk around singing the same song over and over for three days… or a week? (That’s a serious question. I have been singing the SAME 3 songs for almost 2 weeks now. I don’t think you fully grasp how in love I have fallen with Copperlily – their music, their story, just completely … I love the way they say exactly what I feel.)
Tonight has been a music night though. Somehow YouTube has gotten me stuck on a Westlife. Hmmm… but I will leave you with this song, which I have now made repeat about a dozen times. I don’t know that I need to make anything up to you, but I do want to let you know how much I miss you…. Tonight.
All this writing has allowed me to reflect on my own scars. “G” telling you I needed time to heal still echos in the hollow spaces of who I am. Healing… I thought I had accomplished that though all my visits with my favorite counselor who told me I need only come in for ‘check ups’ now, like your yearly physical with a regular physician. Yes, the years of abuse have left their mark on me and I have already confessed that my marriage was one of total devastation and heartache. I truly believe my counselor found as much relief in my divorce as I did.
But working my listening skills as hard as I have the last two weeks with you has caused me to take a step back and reexamine a few of my own fears and scars. It has made me remember the first time I went to marriage counseling with my husband…
Things were already past the point of no return but he had refused to admit that. He truly believed he had been loving me and listening to me and giving me everything I needed and that I was the only offender. I had already asked for the annulment. I had been living in the basement and making the mental strides to separate myself from him. He asked for the counselor. He used it as a game. If i would go see this counselor and they would tell him that this was not some bipolar outburst, some abuse survivor’s panicked coping mechanism, then he would sign my annulment papers. I agreed because I knew there was not a sane person on the planet that would look at the shambled mess he called a marriage and tell me that I needed to stay.
Man, was I mistaken. Turns our crazy people find other crazy people and they share the craziness! This clown actually said we needed to come back and see him again and that he believed he could help to save our marriage. Whatever… I wanted that signature, so if it took a few more visits, eventually this guy had to see the insanity of our ‘union,’ right? WRONG!
It got so bad, the counselor suggested I reach out to another member in his group for individual counseling. Praise God, that was truly the beginning of the end. This man listened to me and helped me to find the courage to say all the things I was never allowed to say.
The point? I have always felt unheard. Before you I was as unheard as I was the night I handed my mother the $20 placed in my bra by a man who had no right to touch me… As invisible as the child who sat in a car full of people and yet no one noticed the molesting events happening right under their noses… as unloved as the toddler who cried sucking her thumb…. as neglected as the wife who cried herself to sleep in an empty bathtub so that she would drown on nothing more than the burn of the tequila…. as lonely as the letter in my bottom drawer…
Why you ask? I feel unheard because of the abuse in my life. I feel unheard because from the very earliest memories, I was dismissed. I was not heard. I tried to tell but no one cared for those golden ringlets and tiny footsteps. That’s how the abuse was allowed to begin and continue on for years on end…
I feel unheard because I struggle to trust. I have had my every word used against me since I was brave enough to speak them. People listened with their ears enough to hear what hurt me only so they could repeat the offenses at will… I feel unheard because no one bothered to listen with their eyes or their hearts.
I have been told this was all just my perception of reality. Of course people were listening to me! Perception. The ability to process information through our own set of biases and filters. The personal interpretation of actual events. Yes, perception. I have heard there is no truth, only perception.
I have a lot of filters. I have a great ability to observe and analyze. It has caused me immense difficulties to date because with each added scar, the field of visibility gets smaller. I look at the world and I see men who simply want to take. Is that perception? When they flat out state all they want is things they can take from me, I am not sure there is anything to interpret there.
So, I take that back to the idea that I am unheard. Where does that originate from? Am I not using my words? Am i not speaking clearly in a manner that can be understood? Or is the other person taking only what they want from me??? Maybe it is all perception, based on my interpretation of historical events… but I don’t think so.
Alone. That’s another good one. Lonesome has been the majority of my life. I have struggled with depression and anxiety because of the isolation the abuse pushed me into. I was sinking into pits of despair and the world cared so much that they… oh wait. Well, my parents cared so much that they… ugh, probably not. Fine, my friends cared so much and my boyfriends cared so much that I never had to fear being alone because they…. hmmm. No. That’s not it either.
I guess the loneliness was all in my head too.
I now know there is a portion of all these things that was exaggerated by the heartache… because I was not alone. I have not always been ignored and unheard. I was not always invisible, though there were days I felt it so deeply I would joke that I needed to patent my invisibility cloak because I had the only one that worked. (I was even married then!)
But then I met you… and for the first time in my life, I am heard. I can say anything at all and you hear every last word – not with your ears, but with your heart. My feelings matter and my words are safe with you. Those old recordings have begun to fade as you replaced the music. I don’t feel alone… even though I guess technically I am. You came into my life and loved all the parts of me that I didn’t like until I learned to love them too. You made me see the treasure hidden among the items the world had convinced me were useless rubbish. You helped me to find my sparkle…
Can I love you enough to help you the same way? Can we be Broken Together?
I started this as a record, a place to document and store my deepest thoughts and the jumble of words that couldn’t be said out loud. I needed a place to keep them until it was time to show you the truth. I don’t say that because I have hid anything from you or because I am afraid to reveal any corner of my soul to you. I say that because we both know this is a process. There are moments of intense fear and debilitating anxiety coming in tidal waves, threatening to tear us out to sea and drown us beneath the waves. History has created deafening waves in both of our lives and I have only begun to learn how to surf.
Today is different. Today I listened to you and I heard such a longing for truth, for reassurance and understanding. Today, you were ready to challenge the darkest parts of history with nothing more than the flame of a matchstick. Today, you were looking for anything to feed the fire. Today you were peering into the future as far as you could dare yourself to dream. Today you stretched open the doors and let some light shine in.
Let me back up. Yesterday morning was a very difficult one for you, I know. You did not ask to step into the minefield. You did not ask for the spotlight, but that is you. I know the side of you that hangs back and observes, watching and soaking in every little detail. You notice the little things the world ignores, but they matter to you. You take pride in your work, in the integrity of your name and the responsibilities bestowed upon you. Yesterday morning, you let that room see the man I could not help but adore. You found your voice and stood up for what was right, even in the most difficult of environments. Today, those actions paid off. There were consequences and backlash that you feared, but you came out of there with more honor than you dreamed. I have never been more proud of you.
Those actions started a conversation, which we were able to share most of the day. I am so grateful for days like today. While I hate that we communicate with letters on a screen instead of words whispered into your ear, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Days like today are extra special. Since you have the day off, the time difference seems to affect us less. I was in a place where I was able to sit in the passenger seat and visit with you until my cup runneth over. I have missed those conversations, the deep intimate ones where the world around us fades away and there is nothing more than you and I and the sounds of our words hanging in the air.
Today, we talked about everything, but through it all, I could hear the sounds I have waited 15 days to hear. Today, as I was listening with all my might, I heard the sound of your heart opening up and reaching out for reassurance that this was all real. I heard the beats quicken with each tender word and each realization that I am not leaving. I know you have been hurt and I know that you are scared. I also know that God is bigger than both of us. My darling, you are my everything.
As we shared these intimate moments of conversation, I could hear that now familiar voice telling me I needed to show you. That was the point afterall, right? But I know you. I can’t just yank back the curtain and reveal the prize behind door number one. I have to make sure you are ready…
Are you home? Are you sitting down? Do you have the tissues close by? Am I sure today is the today???
You start talking about marrying me and vacation and am I sure that I love you. You ask about the the vow… the one that says I am already married to you because God does not need a sheet of paper. After all, who married Adam and Eve? There was no marriage officiant to record some fancy sheet of paper in a courthouse. There were two souls, standing there together and they chose to live a certain life. God honored that commitment. My darling, you and I have done the same.
Yes, we want the show. We both want the dress and the boots, the singing and the piece of fancy paper. But do things make the marriage any more binding? Does that sheet of paper make things different to anyone except the government, a group of people we don’t even know?? Yes, I meant what I said. I meant them on the day I told you I was choosing you for the rest of my life and I mean them today. I will mean them tomorrow and next year. I meant them the day you left. I will mean them on the day I jump into your arms at the airport. I choose you, and every day I will choose you again.
After that conversation, how could I not tell you? How could I not give you all the answers you were looking for? How could I not lay all my cards on the table? Darling, here is all the proof you need, dated and time stamped that from the moment I thought I was going to die until the moment you saw the image of a letter in a bottle loading on your screen, and every moment in between, I have not wavered in my love and devotion to you for one single solitary second. I never once thought of giving up or walking away.
I called your brother pleading for answers. I cried out to God for strength and wisdom. I begged to be carried, to be held and to find reassurance. He was faithful… and He kept his word. I mean, here you are. He told me that you had not left me. He asked me to trust Him to show you my heart and how faithful He was.
He led me to write this all down and then opened your heart that you could take it all in. This is one more brick in the foundation of the most beautiful relationship I have ever seen. Darling, I love you. and I promise that I am not letting go.
So, let’s set aside all this talk about maybe and if. Let’s talk about the when and the where, the how and the will. I want to build a life with you. We have already begun and look at the masterpiece! Don’t give up on me because I will not back down. I will not give up and I will not give in. I know what I want and I will wait my whole life if necessary… and you now have the proof.
This morning, I woke up wearing your shirt. I don’t wear your shirt. I may lay it over my chest and wrap the arms around me, feeling myself wrapped in your arms again, but I don’t wear your shirt. Or I didn’t until Monday night, and then Tuesday night. Remember the conversation about soul mates and feeling someone even though they aren’t here? Remember how I said I could hear you, feel you, smell you and I was convinced you are here beside me? I think that’s why I had to wear the shirt the last two nights.
You and I have always had this rare and beautiful connection. It’s the kind of thing little girls notice in movies and fairy tales because it is so rare in the real world. It’s the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It’s the dream of pure magic little girls chase their whole lives before they defeatedly settle for something ordinary and plain. It is the 4 leaf clover in a field. It is the true love’s kiss that awakens Snow White. It is the magic that turned Beast into the Prince.
For 485 days, we have made a conscious effort to bare our souls to each other without barriers. We have allowed ourselves to be completely exposed. We have promised extreme honesty, even in the hard things, and that there was no topic, no past hurt, no silly fetish or deepest desire that was off limits to discuss. We both opened ourselves up to the vulnerability that only comes from this kind of relationship. We have admitted things to each other that we swore we would carry to our graves. We have lovingly shared and drawn such intimacy from these moments shared between us in these treasured pillow talks.
Today was one of those intimate pillow talk days I love so much. Our pillows may have been a little farther apart than usual, but the conversation was just as free and easy, just as intimate and safe, just as binding. Today, I listened to your heart speaking of fears and scars and wounds that have been ignored so long. I heard the hurt little boy, the years of pain and hiding. Today, I heard all the words you were afraid to say out loud. I heard the panic that rules some days and the fear that dominates others. I heard the pleas of a heart aching to be loved, but is afraid of being mocked one more time.
When I was able to compose myself, I gave you a very basic list of things I absolutely adore about you and a promise to never walk away from you. I begged you to stop running, but vowed to keep chasing your heart until you knew it was safe with me. All of this got me to thinking… you want to know why I stay, why I tell you I will never leave?
Before you, I was wondering lost in this world. I had given up and given in to the voices in my head. I had conceded defeat and accepted that I was worthless and unlovable. I was used up and tossed aside. I was nothing… but that was the day before you.
You believe that you take so much from me and I will wake up one day regretting my choices. If you only knew how much I get in return… I know I told you a few things today, but I want to create a list. I want to tell the world why I love you, why 50 weeks of waiting is the easiest thing I could do if it means I get you for a lifetime in the end. I want to tell you why there are certain things I have to have from you, even if you believe they are you taking. You have to know how much I love you. 485 days! How do you not know?
I love your smile, the way your lips refuse to open and reveal anything. I love the way you try to hide, even behind your smile.
I love the way your lips rest on my forehead and the world disappears.
I love the way your eyes sparkle every time you look at me, and only when you look at me.
I love the way your eyes give you away. Your eyes refuse to hide the things your lips do.
I love your nose! It is the most perfect nose I have ever seen.
I love your ears. I love the way your earlobe slides right into that spot on your neck…
I love that spot on you neck… the one that screams to be kissed. Can’t you hear it?
I love the way you move when I look at the spot… when I get near….
I love your hands! They are strong and steady. They are soft and tender.
I love the way your hands are small enough to interlace with mine, and yet large enough to make me know I am safe.
I love the way your hands have no rough spots to scratch my skin.
I love the way your hands reach for me.
I love the way your arms wrap around me.
I love your feet (and that is saying something because I do NOT like feet!) But I love the shape of your feet, the proportion of your toes, the strength of your arch.
I love your legs! They are so strong… excuse me while I close my eyes and imagine them a moment…
I love the way you always need to shower! It means I have the greatest smelling man on the planet! I love that you always want to be clean for me.
I love the way you let me mess up your hair.
I love the way you laugh when I scatter it.
I love the way you instinctively reach up to straighten it back out.
I love to kiss that spot on your head… the one you insist is bald.
I love your hair.
I love the color of your hair and the way it feels between my fingers.
I love the way you trust me. I love that there is nothing I can’t ask you.
I love the way you love me.
I LOVE THAT YOU TRULY BELIEVE TO YOUR CORE THAT I AM A PRINCESS!
I love that you call me Your Belle.
I love that you love music as much as I do
I love that you think giving me all the things I love (back rubs and snuggles and forehead kisses) are you taking from me and giving nothing back.
I love that you love me as if your next breath depends on your ability to make me smile.
I love that you insist on opening all the doors for me
I love that you refuse to go to sleep without kissing me good night.
I love that you refuse to marry me if the D word is in our vocabulary.
I love that you have already named our boys.
I love that you laugh at my jokes
I love that you believe I can do anything
I love the smile that spreads across your face when you catch me singing.
I love the way you sing when you don’t think I can hear you
I love how perfectly our hopes and dreams align
I love that we don’t fight. We disagree and we have misunderstood each other, but we ALWAYS talk it out and see the loving intentions behind the actions.
I love that we come out stronger
I love that the only difference we have found is you and your peas.
I love that we talk about everything so we know exactly what we are getting into
I love that we have no secrets
I love that the things I am most ashamed of in my life are not only accepted, but you love me more for having confessed them to you.
I love the man you are… a true gentleman to your core
I love the way you love my daughter
I love the way you protect us
I love the way your heart is so tender, you aren’t afraid to cry
I love the way you try to guess what will happen next in the movie (even though I always win)
I love the way we like the same movies
I love the way we find songs to say the things we can’t
I love the way you have such faith in me, even when – no, especially when – I have none in myself
I love that you are my biggest fan
I LOVE THAT YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE EVER HAD, EVER
I love that we have no secrets (I know this is a repeat, but I really do love that we tell each other every last thing)
I love that it’s 22:48 and I am still sitting here after a long day at work, Bible study at church and caring for our girl… I have more things I love, but I have got to go to sleep! Please forgive me for cutting this so short. Today I just did not have the time to do this justice… Once I transition to the new role, I hope I have more time. Please forgive me my love for only giving you 55 things tonight…
You told me you loved me and I responded with the most awkward “thank you” I have ever uttered. In doing so, I hoped you would know how much I meant it when I did tell you. Beast, I love you… eternally! I am going to show you…. For every day you fear, I will tell you twice until you hear. I am not going anywhere. True love waits.
ILYMTCCCD 
